Final Fandumbsy
by Sailor Quaoar
Summary: When a man named Bishivitz threatens to take over the land of Nomuraia with the power of his hair, a not-too-bright farm boy named Kaerin learns he is "teh Ch0zen One" to defeat this great evil! A parody of Final Fantasy and similar RPG's.


A long time ago, in an ancient and vast kingdom called Nomuraia…

A long time ago, in an ancient and vast kingdom called Nomuraia…..

There lived a man. This man was not like the other males in his family. He didn't care about money or power. All he cared about was his hair. Long, beautiful, silky, shiny, and luscious hair. He was willing to do anything to achieve the best hair in the land.

Thinking that nothing else would help, he dipped his hair into the Lake of Mana. The Lake of Mana was the source of all magic in the land of Nomuraia. It appeared to work. His hair grew longer and shinier that anyone else's in the land. But it came at a price. His hair developed a mind of its own. It would ensnare civilians in its protein-rich follicles, causing the destruction of countless villages. The man was not evil; he just wanted to have fabulous hair. So, he made a bargain with his hair. The man would have control over his own follicles, in exchange for helping his hair achieve total domination over Nomuraia. Not wanting to give up his status as top of the hair world, the man agreed.

And so, a great (or not so great) adventure would begin…..

"Cock-a-doodle-doo!" a rooster crowed loudly outside a small farmhouse. "Ugh. I don't wanna get up…."

"Kaeriiiiin! Get 'cher arse outta bed! Dem chick'uns need feedin!"

The chickens. Kaerin hated them. He would go into the coop, and always get pecked by the merciless chickens, every single time. In fact, he hated farm life in general. He felt he was meant for greater things.

"Fine, Ma." Kaerin grumbled, and went off to the chicken coop.

"Every single day...blah…AHH! Hey! Kaerin's left arm had been the victim of a particularly angry chicken." BAWK!" The chicken screeched at him with an evil look. After the chicken incident, Kaerin walked back to the old shack that was his home. He entered the cramped, smelly house, forcibly closing the door behind him.

He was frustrated. He knew that the simple famer's life wasn't for him. But he had no idea of how to get beyond his ramshackle little village.

And in that moment, Kaerin decided that he would leave. And he would not be coming back.

"I'm goin' out, Ma!" Kaerin yelled from the front door.

"Alright, but be back before supper! Your pa needs help milkin' the cows!"

Kaerin shuddered at the thought. Fortunately, he would never need to milk the cows ever again. He walked out into the village. It was extremely small, with only about 10 buildings. He had seen the same faces day after day. It seemed that all the villagers looked the same. Upon closer inspection, they most likely were. Kaerin walked beyond the village and into the surrounding forest. He waded through the dense foliage, trying to think of what to do with his life. Just then, a metallic-looking chest appeared in front of his feet. Kaerin looked at it curiously. He had been on this path many times before, and no sort of chest had ever been lying in the forest. Perhaps some rich merchant had dropped it on their way to the capital city? The chest sparkled faintly in the morning sun. It seemed to be calling to him.

_Kaerin…..Kaerin…._

Wait, was that a voice?

Kaerin ignored whatever it was that he had heard and unlatched the chest.

A blinding light filled his eyes. He couldn't see anything!

When the light faded, Kaerin could see the figure of a woman. She was dressed in flowing robes and glowed with a blue light.

He stared in awe. She was the most beautiful woman Kaerin had ever seen in his life. Of course, most of the women he did see were buck-toothed hillbillies.

The figure spoke to him in a heavenly, echoing voice.

"A great quest is set out ahead of you, most noble farm boy…..you are a hero written in legend."

"Hey! I am not a farm boy!"

An awkward silence followed.

"Anyway, as I was saying…you will have to face a great evil. He is trying to conquer all of this land, and is unleashing dark and terrible magic. He has swarms of shadow beasts at his command. They will try to stop you from fulfilling your destiny. You must defend yourself against them. I grant you these gifts that will aid you."

A sword and a suit of armor appeared out of the chest. The armor was a bright green color, and though light, provided some decent protection. His sword also looked light, but easy to maneuver. It was edged with bright green as well.

"Green goes perfectly with your hair." The woman added.

For once someone actually likes my hair, Kaerin thought. People had always teased him for being a redhead.

The woman continued. "The road ahead will be long and difficult. You skills will be put to the test. You will also learn new ones, and unlock great powers within you. But you will not be alone. Three others from all across this land are destined to join you in your noble quest. You must learn to combine your abilities. This is the only way to restore peace and harmony to Nomuraia."

"Wait! Kaerin shouted. "Who are these others? And how long will all this take?!"

"You can check your total time in the menu….I am sorry, but I must leave you now…..good luck, Kaerin……." The woman faded away.

"Just what was that all about?" Kaerin asked himself. He strapped on the armor. He wasn't sure why he would need it, but it definitely looked better than his cotton and wool rags. Plus, it made him look totally awesome.

"Be-beep!"

Kaerin heard an odd noise. Something popped up in front of him. It appeared to be a gray box filled with text. The box spoke in a computerized voice.

"Greetings! I am the Help Box. I am here to guide you across the land, and give you helpful pointers, should you forget what to do. Now, let's get started, shall we?"

Kaerin blinked. "Ummm, okay?"

"Begin by walking to the path on your left. Then touch the floating X icon."

Sure enough, there was a floating X to Kaerin's left. He slowly walked over to it.

"Excellent!" the Help Box quipped. You appear to have gotten the hang of movement."

"Well duh! I already know how to walk."

"Just making sure." The Help Box replied.

"Now, onto the basics of combat. You've got a sword, and you'll probably be using it at one point. Perform quick slashes with the B button. These attacks are weak, but can be chained together. Use to dispatch multiple, easy-to-hit foes."

Kaerin practiced by slashing some nearby hedges. The feeling of battle felt satisfying, and almost invigorating. For the first time in his life, he actually felt manly.

"Heavier strikes are executed with the Y button. Use these for powerful but slow attacks. Try combining heavy and quick attacks for combos. Performing combos successfully on an enemy will earn you FACP."

"FACP? What's that?" asked Kaerin.

"I was just getting to that." The Help Box replied. "FACP stands for "Friggin' Awesome Combo Points". FACP is different from XP, or Experience Points. XP is gathered by simply defeating enemies. To earn FACP, you have to defeat them in STYLE!"

Karin looked seriously puzzled. Pushing buttons? Combo attacks? He had never heard of anything like that. But, he continued listening to the Help Box's words-er, text.

"Accumulating FACP will fill up your Limit Gauge. When your Limit Gauge is full, you will be able to unleash an FASA."

"And that is…..?"

"A FRIGGIN' AWESOME SPECIAL ATTACK!!" the Help Box replied in an unusually loud and demonic-sounding voice.

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks for the, uh, advice. Now can I please move on?"

"There is one more thing I must tell you about."

Two glowing bottles appeared in front of Kaerin's feet.

"These bottles are called potions. They will revitalize you in the heat of battle. The red one is a health potion. It will restore your Health Points, or HP. The blue one is called a mana potion. It will restore your Magic Points, or MP. Be sure to never go without potions!"

"Finally." Kaerin sighed. "So, the forest is good from here on?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Take care!"

The Help Box vanished with a be-beep.

Kaerin set out on the forest trail once more. Everything seemed to be going fine. Until….

"Rwarrr….."

Kaerin could hear growling. It was coming from the trees. Suddenly, a flash of fur leaped out of the forest. It was a pack of wolves!

But these were no ordinary wolves. They appeared to be dark purple in color, and their paws trailed off into shadowy vapor. But the most peculiar thing about them was a mop of shiny, almost blinding cotton-candy pink hair on the top of their heads. It was as if some twisted soul had superglued tacky, day glo wigs onto these poor creatures.

Tacky wigs or not, these were still deadly creatures that could kill him if he didn't act fast. Besides, some epic orchestrated music was playing, so this had to be a battle.

"You lied to me, Help Box!" Kaerin yelled as he narrowly dodged one wolf lunging at him.

"I said PRETTY much!" the Help Box popped up. "That doesn't mean completely clear."

"Grrr…" Kaerin growled at the Help Box. He readied his sword against the pink-haired beasts, and started slashing like there was no tomorrow.

"SHICK!

"CHINK!"

"SPLURT!"

"SCHLICK!"

"SCHWING!"

"YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Kaerin was breathing heavily. All the wolves were down. All that remained was a pile of flesh and gigantic pools of blood. Thankfully, no blood had gotten on his clothing, or strangely; his sword, despite attacking those monsters viciously.

"Boy, all that attacking has made me hungry. I need some food."

He looked over at the pile of diced shadow wolves. He got an idea.

"If I can make a fire, I can have some delicious wolf-burgers!"

The Help Box chimed in. "There's a twig pile over there. Collect as much firewood as you can in 30 seconds!" a loud ticking noise was heard. "Crap!" yelled Kaerin. He scrambled to scoop up handfuls of twigs.

"And TIME!" shouted the Help Box. It then promptly vanished.

Kaerin roasted the meat over a little fire he had made with the twigs. "That Help Box doesn't seem really helpful. It thinks I'm stupid!" he said in-between bites. "Besides, this is supposed to be a noble quest or whatever. It's not a game!"

Kaerin packed the leftover meat in a pouch on his belt. It held every single item he had ever picked up. It must have been magic. He thought it was very useful. "I should probably get going" Kaerin said as he stood up and stretched his limbs. Suddenly, the Help Box popped up, again.

Kaerin: a 17-year-old farm boy, Kaerin is tired of feeding chickens and milking cows all day, and feels he is meant for greater things. Just as he goes to leave his small village, a mysterious woman appears and says that he is destined to defeat a great evil. Not knowing what he is really getting into, Kaerin sets out on a journey of epicness.

Nan: a 15-year-old mage-in-training, Nan wanders the land of Nomuraia performing good deeds and practicing her magical skills. After saving Kaerin from the brink of death with healing magic, she offers to teach him what she knows, in exchange for following Kaerin on his journey.

Dankt Badassman: a former mercenary, Dankt is respected and feared by almost everyone in Machina City's seedy underbelly. Dankt has a powerful cannon on his right arm. Local legend says that there was nothing wrong with his hand, but he himself cut it off because it wasn't killing people fast enough. Dankt eventually joins Kaerin and Nan, leaving Machina City in the hands of his associates.

Eriele: a member of the Traciel race, the beautiful and mysterious Eriele protects her underwater city from the outside world. But when she senses terrible peril from above the waves, she devotes all her skills to stopping Bishievitz and his evil shadow army.

Bishievitz: an eclectic, disturbing man, Bishievitz is out to conquer all of Nomuraia with his army of shadow creatures. His hair has a mind of its own, and he can ensnare objects and people in its strands of doom.  
Kaerin, Nan, Dankt, and Eriele must work together to defeat him and restore peace and harmony to the land of Nomuraia.


End file.
